late night failure and bittersweet revenge

It's been a long time

2006-11-14T00:49:00.000-06:00

I guess I haven't had much to write about, cause I haven't. My senior show is coming up in a week. I'm finding myself stressed, but calm and not entirely too worried about it. It'll get done and whether or not its genius doesn't really matter I guess. It just matters that I get it done. I really want to see what it looks like. I hope it kicks more but than I'm thinking it will.

Usually my stuff never lives up to the expectations I put on it in my head, so it might end up that way again, but I really hope it doesn't. We'll see.

Other than that, the idea of what to do after I graduate from school and have to move on is the major thing thats been haunting my thoughts. I'm not sure where or what I want to do. But unless something major changes I'll probably move to a place out of reach from my current self.

Just put myself out there and if I fail, then drop my head and carry my sorry ass back home. What this means I'll be doing, I'm not exactly sure. I'm kinda looking at Boston and kinda looking at the Americorps. I'm not sure.

I'm currently doubting all my abilities and worried that I'll never really get to contribute to society in the way I want to. I'm also afraid of dying alone and unhappy, so I guess I've got to get off my ass and do something to change that.

Ok, I leave now. Sorry if this isn't as in depth as it needs to be, but there's nothing really in depth to go on about and I'm not a particularly good writer, so it really would just be painful for you to try to read if I did have something emaculate to go on about.

Wake Up Angry, Go to bed Tired

2006-09-15T00:33:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning and was mad, about what is unimportant (as it involves what tiny ego I have accidently being crushed). Went to work, got to work, got frustrated (the boss lady is strange the day before she goes on vacation).
Went to class, got complimented and insulted (My personality is apparently a commodity that someone would be willing to buy).
Went home, got depressed (nothing particular, just your typical, going to die alone and such crap)
Went back to school, got to work (I'm making ceremic sculptures...they're fun)
Went Home, got tired (I'm going to bed after I listen to a song or two more of the Format's Dog Problems).

Tomorrow, I wake up, go to class, and then go to work again. It should be the peak of excitement. I also might play some D&D to ensure my geek status.

Saturday, Frolic on Franklin. Come and be marry or some crap.

Note to myself

2006-09-13T01:02:00.000-05:00

Stop Being Scared...you cock sucking piece of shit...

Baptism

2006-09-12T01:47:00.000-05:00

I knew it was raining before I stepped foot outside the door. I knew it was raining hard. I knew I would get soaked from head to toe. I knew that I might be forced to wear my wet clothes for the next 5 hours. I did it anyways. As I was leaving, jacket tucked inside my backpack I could hear my roomate yell "WANT A RIDE?" I said no thanks and decided I would enjoy the rain.

It took me back, back to the days when my mom would let us put on our bathing suits and run around outside, afterwards we would be dried and given something warm to eat, before falling asleep.

There's something nice about being completely soaked in water. Your shoes are soaked, your bones soaked, your shirt clings tightly to your body and after a few minutes stops protecting you in anyway shape or form. I got to Trahern ok and when I got there, people laughed and told me I have a phone and I could have called, and had I waited a few minutes rides would have been offered and the rain would have lightened up. Had I waited a few minutes I wouldn't had gotten to wear a three piece suit with sandals and be made fun of the rest of the night. Had I waited a few minutes, my jumpdrive wouldn't have fallen apart in the dryer. Had I waited a few minutes this wouldn't be a journal entry.

But I didn't wait a few minutes. To me the water was a metaphor, a sign from whatever lays above us.

I'm not as alone as I feel. I don't need to fear doing inane or dangerous things because people will help me out, even if I don't ask for it.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, lost and alone. Sometimes I feel like I could die and noone would even care...tonight taught me thats not true. thanks rain.

Welcome to my life please enjoy the musings

2006-09-11T00:12:00.000-05:00

The other day I noticed that when people change their look (you know new glasses, different hair cut, grow a beard, whatever) I have a hard time remembering them when they look different. My mind quickly adapts to this changing environment and accepts. Sometimes my mind goes back and replaces your old haircut with a new one, until you've always had that haircut.

If I lived in the world of George Orwell's 1984, I would be one of the masses who didn't notice the changes of Big Brother.

So in short, feel free to change...I won't notice.

this is truth...for now

2006-09-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

Currently, there is a man sleeping behind me as I type this. His name is Micheal, we share a room.

My hair is a different color...I think this is considered a vain move.

I'm waiting for my skin to shed and for adulthood to set in.

I don't want to work for anyone or talk to anybody about business ever again.

I'm looking for something external to change me internally...this is foolish and stupid, and will never happen. But I still hold out hope.

Its ok, you can admit it, you like people more than me...this wouldn't be so bad if there was one person this was not a truth for.

I'm not really trying to be funny

I hate myself and the things I do because I'm too scared to be the person I want to be.

I don't value family as much as everyone else seems to...doesn't seem worth taking stock in, sorry mom.

I sometimes ponder what love feels like...hopefully its warmer than the frustration currently in my stomach.

If the afterlife is anything like this...I'm not sure I want to play this game anymore.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKGODDAMNITGODDAMNIT GODDAMNIT

why would those letters in that order make god send me to hell?

-fuck?

"Whats the point of being cool if you can't wear a sombero"

2006-07-20T23:24:00.000-05:00

The above is stolen from Bill Watterson.

My heroes are not men of greatness or men of fourtune. Nope, my heroes are geeks that excel in some special way. The nerdy guys who aren't ultra cool or ultra suave, but strange enough to find a way to live life outside of some cookie cutter mold. From the friendlier side of Bill Watterson & the Johns of They Might Be Giants to the darker side of Doctor Hunter Scott Thompson & Warren Ellis, I admire the men (and the women) who are able to overcome their fears of rejection and just go and do what the fuck they want how they want to.

Sure, I'm dumbing it down. Not all of these men ran head first into the average way of life try and fuck it sideways, they did their own thing whether it be recording songs on an answering machine and attaching a 1-800 number to it or driving in the middle of the desert strung out on God knows what doing stupid shit that no one should really be doing. These are the guys who come from the normal and buck the trend or set the trend. So in following I will write a short list of my heroes and people I look up. Feel free to follow suit, though feel no pressure as this is more about trying to figure out what I want to be.

They Might Be Giants-Two guys, one name. Its simple they use to play with a tape recorder instead of a live band. One of their songs featured a large stick that they use as the percusion. Also, they had dial-a-song and their songs usually have a since of irony and or nerdiness which as a kid was something that I could relate to.

Bill Watterson- Just some guy who wrote about a lonely brillaint kid and his imaginary friend. Calvin and Hobbes is beautiful to look at and a pretty damn good read. He's always stood out in the newspaper funny pages.

Charles Shultz- Peanuts=Genius. Just a beautiful comic about a kid who seems to have the world against him. Everybody can relate to Charlie Brown, everybody has felt that way. Plus Linus and Snoopy are pretty cool and Pig Pen is just a good name for a dirty kid.

Docter Hunter Scott Thompson- A druggie with writing skills and an agenda. If only every drug addict could have such a useful agenda I would be much more behind the rampent drug use in this country (not that I blame it or am against it)

Warren Ellis-I like his fuck you attitude and that he writes comic books and doesn't need to be attached to Super Heroes.

Chip Kidd- Best Speaker I've ever seen. Also, he found a place he loves and knows how to excel in it (he made the Jurrassic Park logo if you want a point of reference) he also digs Batman.

theres a ton of others they're probably your average string of strange men men guys like R. Crumb, David Sedaris, Joseph Heller, George Orwell, Douglas Adams,Chuck Palanchuick, BassMan, Will Eisner, Gary Larson, Frank Black, Jim Gaffigan, Mitch Hedburg, Zach Gallaganafigus, MF Doom, etc...

Thats all, not much to share beyond that.

P.S. I was going to try to work in something about how most of these guys are storytellers, but I didn't. Its seems important to add though.

Letter Press Questions Part 1:

2006-07-14T17:51:00.000-05:00

Please Answer the Following

Thank you

Its time to take a walk

2006-07-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today on my way to work I saw the following

7.5 people
1 was sitting on the side walk in a chair
1 was a mother
1 was her daughter
1 looked crazy
1 had on a yellow safety vest
1 scared the shit out of me while she was out on a run
1 was on a bike
.5 was the running girl coming back at me

3 dead animals
1 bird
1 squirrel
1 cat (its the one that smells the worst, but looks the coolest)

I'm pretty sure I saw an old guy get pulled over for not using a blinker.

At work there wasn't much exciting to talk about, except that now I'm officially in the system at work (thats right I'm getting a real paycheck and now I am a working class individual). I didn't clock in, but I did get to clock out...I don't know why anyone would find that exciting as I do, but I would like to share.

Ok I'm off to Nashville for the weekend so if you're there find me.

Wish me luck...

2006-07-03T23:37:00.000-05:00

today I sent a portfolio into this firm in Nashville called Anderson Thomas in hopes of getting an internship. It probably won't happen, more than likely I'll get a polite letter that says "wow your work sucks, I hope you never make it anywhere near a real design firm", but until I get that letter I'll continue to hope that they'll pick me.

Lets see other than that, the Student Art League is going to Hopkinsville tommorrow to hang a show at the Community College there. So if you find yourself up there randomly in the next month or so be sure to drop by.

Also, on Thursday, a show called "We the People" opens at the Icehouse Cafe and I have a piece that I submitted in it. It won't win any awards or make me any friends, but its in there and you should look at it and go oh thats nice and move along. It would really boost my ego...oh and maybe we could go and eat some cookies or catch a movie or eat food that is quickly made, or something. Let me know.

Ok, if you excuse me, I now I have to pray to every god I can think of.

Because Alex demanded it

2006-06-30T17:17:00.000-05:00

When some people say nothing has happened to them over the last month, they're usually lying. So I won't say that nothing has happened. What has been happening the last month has in my mind been fairly tame and nothing to write home or to the interview about, but I'll do it anyways.

For most of the last month or so my weeks have revolved around three elements. One is Adone Advertising where I go to work on Tuesday and Thursdays. The second, is the work with the letterpress and children in a program called Listen Up. The third most recent and soon ending event is taping the theatre kids for this play.

Going from the bottom of the list to the top. The theatre kids (or more importantly the director) is being a pain, this guy wants us to film, but doesn't tell us shit about it. I think he's under the impression that all we have to do with our time is film and film and then edit and edit. Like today he wants us to film confessional type stuff (think real world) and when we get there and get set up ready to go he tells us to go away (though to be fair its probably because the play opens tonight and the ending of the play is still up and the air).

The play itself is a clusterfuck to begin with. He's got twelve students who have written characters and have taken those characters and lumped them together for one play where they made up the plot. The problem is that all the characters are of equal importance and each have their independent story lines and ways they are connected to this dead guy and his bar. Add to it that its a promanade (meaning the audience sits/stands on stage with the actors) and you have alot of confusion and all around disorder. Its one of those things that looks good on paper, but is going to be highly uninteresting and boring to watch...not to mention long. Luckily Saturday is the last night, so it'll be over and done with.

The Letterpress program goes something like this, we take letterpresses and woodblock letters out to schools/community centers and we have kids that are usually 11 to 14 years old come and write stuff about themselves or what they'll be and then we pick out something from that and pick out the type and print words about them on t-shirts. These shirts come out pretty well and they say some pretty interesting stuff and they're usually fun.

This programs happens for two days in a row (usually Wed. & Thurs). The first day they write and design the shirts and the second we print the shirts. I should actually say that the first days William (a short fellow with long dreds that everybody becomes enamored with) leads the writing section while also informing the kids of his political beliefs.

The second usually sees the crazy lady come in and cuss loudly and everyone gets all upset because these kids want to do everything and really can't do much of it, but it usually ends up ok.

The only real other thing that goes on in my life is Adone. I usually walk to work which isn't so bad, but some of the days its been hot as balls and that has suck. The other day I was walking to work and was yelled at by some children the first one was polite enough but I'm pretty sure the second one that showed up told me to get a car, damn children.

I have a pretty bad feeling that Adone is going to start sucking because Lorilee who I work with quits this week and the girl who is going to replace her Amanda seems unresponsive to everything. So It might be horendous. Oh, that and they give me crap for pay because the boss is a tight ass on the money end. Oh well, if worst comes to worst I'll just have to quit and move on to something more profitable like being a courtesty clerk again. Its pretty shitty money wise and soon it may just become one big headache with Lorilee gone and the new girl (oh how I worry).

Thats about it for me on the business side of what I do with my free time, and sure there's little stories here and there related to all of the events happening, but those are much more fun to tell in person. So, if you want them you'll have to visit me or call or something.

Anyways, I hope this wasn't pain stakinly boring and I hope Alex is able to read this on one of her long Tuesdays and maybe it'll some form of time and maybe even entertain her. I dunno.

And with the sway of a uniformed crowd he crooned

2006-05-28T02:43:00.000-05:00

It was a strange experience to say the least. There were a ton of kids (middle school age to 17ish) all with the haircuts of girls and the pants of the same sex, sad to say that about third to half (maybe more) were male. We didn't belong here, we were too old and too out of fashion for the crowd.

Tom, Conwell, Metz, Paxton, Earps, and myself went to see Tom & Conwell's friends play at some Nazarine church. The band's name was Air 5 and it was awkward. I was expecting pews or maybe an old fashioned gym with hard floors. What I got was the aforementioned bad haircuts and a carpeted gym (a concept I still don't quite understand,but I'm old fashion).

We got there at about seven and the band didn't start till eight, so we sat there listening to what I can only surmise was one incredibly long song with alot of drums and screaming words that one couldn't decipher without help. Eventually, Air 5 took the stage and they put on a decent show ( sans the lights that almost made me seizsure once or twice).

The weirdest part of the show was the number of shirts that advertised the event. On the front was "Ground Zero" and on the back was "because this war is worth more than your LIFE". I'm still not entirely sure I know exactly what that means or how the front and back are related. It seems like and odd conglomeration or mixture. It was also weird to see the coordinator push some of the kids together like he was herding sheep. Meh, who am I kidding it was just strange overall, but it was free so I reckon it was worth that at least.

In other news, I've been watching alot of Vh1 and its metal month, and I can say that with almost nothing but confidence that I don't like heavy metal or alot of the people connected to it. It was how they kept talking about how the music was directly connected with show or putting up an act. Its the idea that music needs to be gimmicky that makes me sad. I'm not big on that part of the music scene (I do appreciate things such as the aquabats, but that may be because they don't seem to take themselves as seriously or as a way of living). I may just not like metal because it seems far too aggressive and bullheaded. I know Granville listens to the stuff and is neither of those, but I just can't get into.

Oh and teased hair looks ridiculous on almost everybody, male or female.

thanks for letting me waste your time and ruin your vision.

I'm famous like a mofo

2006-05-23T00:37:00.000-05:00

news link to a picture with my likeness (please note me being a total goober)

In other news, I had a great weekend. If you were there then you remember, if you weren't here's a short list of things you may or may not have missed.

italian food
bad waitress
building climbing
Ihop
Starbucks
Scrabble
Egyptian Rat Screw
Pete & Pete
Shaun of the Dead
umm...book reading?

Ok thats all I got.

p.s. I'm hooked on the Gnarls Barkley video Crazy . I might have to start waking up earlier more often to catch it on the tv.

This image and these words don't match...get over it

2006-05-18T01:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wake up hopeless. Its the fact that sometime in the near future (in less than a year) that I'll have a piece of paper that says I should be able to pursue some form of art as a living. I look at my skills and talents as compared to those around me and those "in the field" and realise they're shit.

I get consumed with the thought that I'm bound to fail. Bound to become one of those guys who end up getting stuck doing stuff they hate. I don't want a bland job. Thats my fear. I want to work someplace interesting do creative things that are admired and hung on walls of people (I'm not so bold as to think that my work would ever be framed).

Maybe its the common self doubt that everyone goes through. Maybe its the fear that when I die nothing of me will remain. But most likely, I want to be able use my work to compensate for my lack of normal social skills and the common life interactions I fail at daily. I've accepted that I'm no good at that (love, best friends, that stuff), so stop worrying or feeling sad, but I need something to replace that other stuff, you know relations, or something. I fear that none of this makes since, but it doesn't really matter.

You won't remember me when I'm gone.

I buy things because I'm lonely

2006-05-16T04:18:00.000-05:00

Recently I've made alot of purchases of stuff. While most of it has been milk, bread, and other life providing food. I have found some stuff worth sharing with you, my audience of two...or possibly three. Maybe it'll take up a rather slightly more boring moment of your day. The first is a wool hat (100%) I got at Walmart for $5.00. I like it, it makes me feel like an archeologist or maybe a mythbuster, or maybe neither. It amuses me and is brown, so I can get dirty and never have to wash it... thank you dirt for being a beautiful color that no one appereciates.

Next I got some new shoes. They were called skater shoes or something. I don't know comfortable they are yet, but the loafers are gone, so go mock some other unhip wearing son of a bitch (hooray for cuss words). Ok, I don't really have much more to say about them, but also if you would take a moment to notice that I did buy matching black socks because doing whites and colors is getting tiresome to me.

But the most awesome thing I got was this sweet ass utility knife. You see its shaped like a pocket knife, but when you open it BAM!! totally useful and amazing art supply/box opening tool. I will wield it with pride and if you ever want to see it, it'll be on my belt till I lose it or leave it at home. I feel that it makes me cool now, and with it I will be able to go out and take over the art world/everyday life. I'm excited to go to the place I intern and show them because they're the only people that will really care until school starts back up.

Ok I guess thats all I really have to say, sorry for the lack of deep emotional insight into my world, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. In other news, I'm almost done with 'Invisible Monsters' by Chuck Palahniuk...I think I like 'Choke' better, but I haven't finished it yet so I can't make any defined recommendations (not like you listen to me anyways).

p.s. feel free to note the coolness of my photoshop skills on the knife picture...yeah I do need friends...got any?

2006-05-11T02:00:00.000-05:00

I have named this guy the idea man. I was thinking of doing some kind of internet series with him, or something. I don't think I'll do it because I think I have about burned myself out on him. A box which I had cut eye holes in, and a place to put your head into, over a year ago (I think I did it when I lived in cross, but it may have been before that) was just laying around for a long time. I was trying to figure out something to do on a self promotional cd packet when it hit me...use the box head. I did and this is part of the result, but not the final outcome.

I'm not sure any of that was a sentence...or interesting.

Its the first entry

2006-05-10T23:54:00.000-05:00

So I've kinda meandered from one spot of "blogging" persay to another. I was really forced into the situation to begin with so, I guess thats what or whom I'm blaming it on. Anyways here's my current home and if you don't like well then go away. Its that simple.

I don't really have much to say other than I like the techiness of this blogspot already.

One quick story though. The other day I sat outside of the Art building waiting on a ride to intern when a van pulled up and a kid said "hey mister, can you see my cup, I made it with my thoughts" or at least thats what I heard. After about a minute and a half, a door opening then closing, and a few more comments from the boy and the mother inside the van drove away.

I haven't attempted to try to understand it yet, but it was a nice surreal moment.

Thats all