11.14.2006

It's been a long time

I guess I haven't had much to write about, cause I haven't. My senior show is coming up in a week. I'm finding myself stressed, but calm and not entirely too worried about it. It'll get done and whether or not its genius doesn't really matter I guess. It just matters that I get it done. I really want to see what it looks like. I hope it kicks more but than I'm thinking it will.

Usually my stuff never lives up to the expectations I put on it in my head, so it might end up that way again, but I really hope it doesn't. We'll see.

Other than that, the idea of what to do after I graduate from school and have to move on is the major thing thats been haunting my thoughts. I'm not sure where or what I want to do. But unless something major changes I'll probably move to a place out of reach from my current self.

Just put myself out there and if I fail, then drop my head and carry my sorry ass back home. What this means I'll be doing, I'm not exactly sure. I'm kinda looking at Boston and kinda looking at the Americorps. I'm not sure.

I'm currently doubting all my abilities and worried that I'll never really get to contribute to society in the way I want to. I'm also afraid of dying alone and unhappy, so I guess I've got to get off my ass and do something to change that.

Ok, I leave now. Sorry if this isn't as in depth as it needs to be, but there's nothing really in depth to go on about and I'm not a particularly good writer, so it really would just be painful for you to try to read if I did have something emaculate to go on about.

9.15.2006

Wake Up Angry, Go to bed Tired

I woke up this morning and was mad, about what is unimportant (as it involves what tiny ego I have accidently being crushed). Went to work, got to work, got frustrated (the boss lady is strange the day before she goes on vacation).
Went to class, got complimented and insulted (My personality is apparently a commodity that someone would be willing to buy).
Went home, got depressed (nothing particular, just your typical, going to die alone and such crap)
Went back to school, got to work (I'm making ceremic sculptures...they're fun)
Went Home, got tired (I'm going to bed after I listen to a song or two more of the Format's Dog Problems).

Tomorrow, I wake up, go to class, and then go to work again. It should be the peak of excitement. I also might play some D&D to ensure my geek status.

Saturday, Frolic on Franklin. Come and be marry or some crap.

9.13.2006

Note to myself

Stop Being Scared...you cock sucking piece of shit...

9.12.2006

Baptism

I knew it was raining before I stepped foot outside the door. I knew it was raining hard. I knew I would get soaked from head to toe. I knew that I might be forced to wear my wet clothes for the next 5 hours. I did it anyways. As I was leaving, jacket tucked inside my backpack I could hear my roomate yell "WANT A RIDE?" I said no thanks and decided I would enjoy the rain.

It took me back, back to the days when my mom would let us put on our bathing suits and run around outside, afterwards we would be dried and given something warm to eat, before falling asleep.

There's something nice about being completely soaked in water. Your shoes are soaked, your bones soaked, your shirt clings tightly to your body and after a few minutes stops protecting you in anyway shape or form. I got to Trahern ok and when I got there, people laughed and told me I have a phone and I could have called, and had I waited a few minutes rides would have been offered and the rain would have lightened up. Had I waited a few minutes I wouldn't had gotten to wear a three piece suit with sandals and be made fun of the rest of the night. Had I waited a few minutes, my jumpdrive wouldn't have fallen apart in the dryer. Had I waited a few minutes this wouldn't be a journal entry.

But I didn't wait a few minutes. To me the water was a metaphor, a sign from whatever lays above us.

I'm not as alone as I feel. I don't need to fear doing inane or dangerous things because people will help me out, even if I don't ask for it.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, lost and alone. Sometimes I feel like I could die and noone would even care...tonight taught me thats not true. thanks rain.

9.11.2006

Welcome to my life please enjoy the musings

The other day I noticed that when people change their look (you know new glasses, different hair cut, grow a beard, whatever) I have a hard time remembering them when they look different. My mind quickly adapts to this changing environment and accepts. Sometimes my mind goes back and replaces your old haircut with a new one, until you've always had that haircut.

If I lived in the world of George Orwell's 1984, I would be one of the masses who didn't notice the changes of Big Brother.

So in short, feel free to change...I won't notice.

9.10.2006

this is truth...for now

Currently, there is a man sleeping behind me as I type this. His name is Micheal, we share a room.

My hair is a different color...I think this is considered a vain move.

I'm waiting for my skin to shed and for adulthood to set in.

I don't want to work for anyone or talk to anybody about business ever again.

I'm looking for something external to change me internally...this is foolish and stupid, and will never happen. But I still hold out hope.

Its ok, you can admit it, you like people more than me...this wouldn't be so bad if there was one person this was not a truth for.

I'm not really trying to be funny

I hate myself and the things I do because I'm too scared to be the person I want to be.

I don't value family as much as everyone else seems to...doesn't seem worth taking stock in, sorry mom.

I sometimes ponder what love feels like...hopefully its warmer than the frustration currently in my stomach.

If the afterlife is anything like this...I'm not sure I want to play this game anymore.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKGODDAMNITGODDAMNIT GODDAMNIT

why would those letters in that order make god send me to hell?

-fuck?

7.20.2006

"Whats the point of being cool if you can't wear a sombero"

The above is stolen from Bill Watterson.

My heroes are not men of greatness or men of fourtune. Nope, my heroes are geeks that excel in some special way. The nerdy guys who aren't ultra cool or ultra suave, but strange enough to find a way to live life outside of some cookie cutter mold. From the friendlier side of Bill Watterson & the Johns of They Might Be Giants to the darker side of Doctor Hunter Scott Thompson & Warren Ellis, I admire the men (and the women) who are able to overcome their fears of rejection and just go and do what the fuck they want how they want to.

Sure, I'm dumbing it down. Not all of these men ran head first into the average way of life try and fuck it sideways, they did their own thing whether it be recording songs on an answering machine and attaching a 1-800 number to it or driving in the middle of the desert strung out on God knows what doing stupid shit that no one should really be doing. These are the guys who come from the normal and buck the trend or set the trend. So in following I will write a short list of my heroes and people I look up. Feel free to follow suit, though feel no pressure as this is more about trying to figure out what I want to be.

They Might Be Giants-Two guys, one name. Its simple they use to play with a tape recorder instead of a live band. One of their songs featured a large stick that they use as the percusion. Also, they had dial-a-song and their songs usually have a since of irony and or nerdiness which as a kid was something that I could relate to.

Bill Watterson- Just some guy who wrote about a lonely brillaint kid and his imaginary friend. Calvin and Hobbes is beautiful to look at and a pretty damn good read. He's always stood out in the newspaper funny pages.

Charles Shultz- Peanuts=Genius. Just a beautiful comic about a kid who seems to have the world against him. Everybody can relate to Charlie Brown, everybody has felt that way. Plus Linus and Snoopy are pretty cool and Pig Pen is just a good name for a dirty kid.

Docter Hunter Scott Thompson- A druggie with writing skills and an agenda. If only every drug addict could have such a useful agenda I would be much more behind the rampent drug use in this country (not that I blame it or am against it)

Warren Ellis-I like his fuck you attitude and that he writes comic books and doesn't need to be attached to Super Heroes.

Chip Kidd- Best Speaker I've ever seen. Also, he found a place he loves and knows how to excel in it (he made the Jurrassic Park logo if you want a point of reference) he also digs Batman.

theres a ton of others they're probably your average string of strange men men guys like R. Crumb, David Sedaris, Joseph Heller, George Orwell, Douglas Adams,Chuck Palanchuick, BassMan, Will Eisner, Gary Larson, Frank Black, Jim Gaffigan, Mitch Hedburg, Zach Gallaganafigus, MF Doom, etc...

Thats all, not much to share beyond that.

P.S. I was going to try to work in something about how most of these guys are storytellers, but I didn't. Its seems important to add though.